Warning signs that you might be sabotaging a good thing
You meet someone new and happily date for a little while. The connection is great, there is chemistry, and sex is fun. You start spending more and more time together and begin considering becoming a couple. But then, you stop replying to their texts right away. You cancel dates. You avoid talking about taking things to the next level. Your partner expresses frustration, disappointment, or even anger about your behavior. Not long after, the partner breaks up the relationship.
Does this sound like something that happens to you? If so, you might be self-sabotaging your relationships.
Christiane Blanco-Oilar, Ph.D. offers compassionate psychological services for individuals and Couples Therapy Boca Raton. I enjoy working with individuals and couples going through life transitions, relationship challenges or identity exploration, or those experiencing grief and loss, depression, anxiety, postpartum depression and eating disorders. My goal is to help you recognize, understand and have compassion for how you may have developed less-than-ideal ways of dealing with specific areas of your life.
Why We Self-Sabotage
The specific reasons why someone may self-sabotage relationships are context-specific. Every person has had a different past: parenting, childhood, teenage years and first serious relationships all have an effect on how we act right now.
One of the main reasons why people sabotage their relationships is fear of intimacy. People are afraid of intimacy when they fear emotional or physical closeness with other people.
Everyone wants and needs intimacy, but in people with certain experiences, intimacy may be linked to negative rather than positive experiences, leading to a “push-and-pull”-type behavior that leads to a relationship breakup or avoidance.
Fear of intimacy typically comes from difficult or abusive parental relationships and childhood trauma (physical, sexual, emotional). The deep, embedded belief in people who fear intimacy is: “people who I am close to cannot be trusted”.
Because early trusting relationships with parents or caregivers were broken by abuse, people who fear intimacy believe that people who love them will inevitably hurt them. As children, they could not extricate themselves from these relationships; however, as adults, they have the power to end or leave them, even when they are not inherently abusive.
This fear appears in two types: fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. In the first, people are worried that those they love will leave them when they are most vulnerable; in the second, people are worried that they will lose their identity or ability to make decisions for themselves. These two fears often exist together, leading to the “push-and-pull” behavior so typical of those with deep fears of intimacy.
Signs Of Self-Sabotage In Relationships
There are many signs that you might have a tendency to self-sabotage even the best of relationships. Here are some of the most common.
You always have an eye on the exit
You avoid anything that leads to bigger commitment: meeting parents, moving in together, etc. You’re always wondering: “if it goes wrong, how can I extricate myself easily from this relationship?” Because commitment reduces your ability to leave a relationship without financial or emotional consequences, you tend to avoid it.
You gaslight your partner
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse whose aim is to deny the other person’s reality or experiences. For example, if your partner says: “I’m really upset that you canceled our date”, you respond with something like: “You’re not really upset, it’s your fault I canceled and you’re just trying to blame me for it.” Gaslighting is a sign that you don’t really believe your partners’ feelings are valid or real (even though they are).
You are known as a “serial dater”
Your friends often ask you why you break up with potential partners so often or lament the fact that you never seem to “settle down” with anyone. You break up with partners on the slightest of issues, only to start dating another person right away and repeat the cycle. You don’t want to be seen as a “player” but you can’t seem to find someone who you can commit to.
You are paranoid or extremely jealous
You always worry that your partner might be seeing someone else behind your back. You demand control over every aspect of their life and require constant contact. When they spend time with other people without you, you fret, text constantly, experience jealousy, and ask for proof that they’re being faithful. They break up with you because they find you controlling.
You criticize everything they do
You constantly look for perfection in a partner, even though you know perfection is impossible. You find fault with every little thing they do, from the way they cook to the clothes they wear. You are impossible to please, and your partner eventually gives up trying and breaks up with you.
You avoid facing problems
You spend a lot of time trying to convince yourself that the relationship is perfect, even when it’s not. When your partner wants to address a problem, you avoid the topic or simply say: “I don’t think we’re having an issue; it’s going to go away.” Your partner grows resentful of your inability to face problems together and leaves.
You have sex with other people
While in some cases having sex with other people is okay when both people agree to non-monogamy, in general, going from affair to affair can be a sign of self-sabotage. You’re doing one of the most hurtful things you can do to a romantic partner in the hopes that they’ll find out and leave you.
You always tear yourself down
You always talk about yourself in self-deprecating ways: “I’m not as smart as you”, “I’m just an idiot, why are you with me?”, “You’re just with me because you pity me”, etc. This is a sign of low self-esteem, and most people do not enjoy being told that they love someone who is worthless. When, despite their constant reassurance that you are a good person, you keep tearing yourself down, they give up and break up.
These are just a few examples of how people with a fear of intimacy might sabotage their relationships. Note that many of them are abusive: things like gaslighting, paranoia and control can damage the other person. People with these patterns have childhood trauma and don’t know how else to act.
To end self-sabotage, you first need to take a good, hard look at yourself and your behavior patterns. Unless you are willing to be honest with yourself and face all the ways you may have abused or hurt other people because of your fear of intimacy, you are doomed to repeat it.
Therapy is the first step many take to end their self-sabotaging patterns. A professional can help you identify your behaviors, dig to the root of your issues, and find new, healthier ways to behave.
In general, a few things are important to uncover when ending self-sabotage.
What is your attachment style?
Attachment theory is a framework that explains patterns of behavior with intimate others. The ideal type of attachment is “secure”: this is when people feel like they can trust others and remain a distinct individual, even in close relationships.
However, childhood experiences can lead to anxious, avoidant, or disordered attachment styles: these are the ones that cause issues in adults trying to develop strong relationships and families. The good news: you can work with a therapist on developing a more secure style by facing your fears and removing false beliefs about relationships.
What are your triggers?
Fear of intimacy and self-sabotage can remain dormant until a trigger wakes them up. It might be words, actions or even places. Knowing what triggers your fears will help you either avoid them or work on them so they don’t trigger you anymore.
Do you confuse the past with the present?
One of the main problems of self-sabotaging is that we behave in the present as if the current situation was the same as one in the past. It can be childhood or past adult relationships. Learning to say: “that was then, this is now” can help you make decisions that are based on the present, rather than reacting blindly based on what happened to you in the past.
Can you talk about these issues?
One of the hallmarks of self-sabotage and fear of intimacy is the inability to talk about your feelings and your problems. You avoid talking about these things because talking means feeling, and you want to avoid feeling these things at all costs. Expressing your emotions, your fears and your needs will not only help you identify the problems but will also help others understand you better.
Get The Help You Need
Remember that it’s okay to get help. Seeking therapy, or simply a kind and friendly ear is the first step towards freeing yourself from self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships. Be kind to yourself and accept that everyone needs help once in a while.
By Anabelle Bernard Fournier